"My quagmire, my ache. I love and adore my husband. He wants another child. I do not. In my last marriage I gave up myself for 7 years. I ignored me. I truely love my huband. I want to do for him. I want to make him happy, to meet his needs, wants, desires. He has met all of mine. He has given me so much I cannot even say. Love, Lust, Comfort, Safety, Support,Friendship, Passion. Everything you look for in a man he has provided for me and my son, who is not even his own. I gave him a daughter. My thoughts tell me he wants a son. But I do 96% of all the childcare and I am tired. Sick to death, tired. My back aches. My arms ache. My head aches. My heart aches. Are we just meant to live like this- sacrifice, uncomplaining, give our all- until there is nothing left to give? How much is enough? A child is my sacrifice to make, and for the most part, mine alone. I bare the weight for years after- the chains of worry, anxiety, frustration. I love and cherish my little boy and girl but why do I have to have more? To please someone else? I suppose as long as I have someone else to please that I am not alone. "
-Journal entry 5/06
When I wrote this in my journal I was sitting in the car because T had just fallen asleep and she really needed her nap. I needed her nap. So, I sat in the car and wrote with the book propped up on the steering wheel and I came to my decision. I will have another child. All the worry, and fear, and be sleepless and stretched too thin. At what point does my life become about me? Selfish, I know, but the answer is not. Never.