Monday, May 15

Mama says Om.. Ache

"My quagmire, my ache. I love and adore my husband. He wants another child. I do not. In my last marriage I gave up myself for 7 years. I ignored me. I truely love my huband. I want to do for him. I want to make him happy, to meet his needs, wants, desires. He has met all of mine. He has given me so much I cannot even say. Love, Lust, Comfort, Safety, Support,Friendship, Passion. Everything you look for in a man he has provided for me and my son, who is not even his own. I gave him a daughter. My thoughts tell me he wants a son. But I do 96% of all the childcare and I am tired. Sick to death, tired. My back aches. My arms ache. My head aches. My heart aches. Are we just meant to live like this- sacrifice, uncomplaining, give our all- until there is nothing left to give? How much is enough? A child is my sacrifice to make, and for the most part, mine alone. I bare the weight for years after- the chains of worry, anxiety, frustration. I love and cherish my little boy and girl but why do I have to have more? To please someone else? I suppose as long as I have someone else to please that I am not alone. "
-Journal entry 5/06

When I wrote this in my journal I was sitting in the car because T had just fallen asleep and she really needed her nap. I needed her nap. So, I sat in the car and wrote with the book propped up on the steering wheel and I came to my decision. I will have another child. All the worry, and fear, and be sleepless and stretched too thin. At what point does my life become about me? Selfish, I know, but the answer is not. Never.


Amy Linder said...

What a wonderful, honest post. My husband and I always imagined we'd have 2 children. He is the last male in his family and feels the desire to have a son to continue the family line. I so wanted to give that to him. But because of the damage done to my body after the birth of our daughter, I do not want to have another one. He is saddened by this but understands my position.

I am saddened by this too. If only I wasn't so certain of the further damage another pregnancy - another round of lifting, turning and rocking - would do to me. If only I could guarantee I'd have a boy next time. Then maybe,,,, Yes, it is selfish, to a degree. But I need to stay in the best shape possible to focus on raising my daughter as best as I'm able.

Good for you in your decision to have another one. Yes, it will be difficult and yes it will take more of your time. But that's what mother's do, isn't it? We sacrifice and give so that those we love can have the best.

Nicole said...

We are going through the same thing right now but in the opposite way. I want another but he thinks we are in over our heads already. We have 3 beautiful, healthy boys and it's not that I'd be "trying" for a girl, but I just don't feel like our family is complete yet. We'll see what happens...

Don't worry. You'll never regret having a third and you'll find the strength you need. The love is never the hard part ;-)

Pamela said...

I really admire your honesty in your post. There are so many women going through exactly what you are right now. Women DO make the sacrifice. Even though I don't know you personally, I wish you the best of luck with your decision.

Left-handed Trees... said...

This is so difficult...the uncertainty, the sensation of being lost. I think--intuitively--we often know the true answer to these questions underneath of "the fear, the worry" and "sleepless and stretched too thin". There's just a hard kernel of truth that will not be denied...I wish you luck, courage, and strength in finding yours.

Caron said...

Hey girl ...
It is a tough decision to give up a part of yourself for the desires of others. Yes, it is generally the plight of women to sacrifice. Make sure you always keep a bit of yourself - even demand it if necessary. Always do something for yourself because it will allow you to have energy for your family.

There was a long time before I would allow myself to even think of the possibility of having another child because I had sacrificed myself for so long in an unhappy marriage living a supposed-to life without any emotional support. I wanted time to find out who I was and time to build a relationship with David in order to make sure I wasn't making the same mistake twice.

Know where you are and know who you are. There's sacrifice in every decision that we make, whether it is to have children or to not have children.

Your husband is old school - I mean he wants and needs to be a provider, something I need to a degree, but I also need to constantly be searching for myself.

Good luck on the boy. Remember, though - and your husband may need to be reminded of this ... it's the father that determines the sex. :-)

One last piece of advice - know when to say no.


Ginger*:)* said...

I've been there too. But with each child there was so much more joy than I could have imagined. What would the world be like today without them. Or what would it be today without YOU! Just think... in a very short REALLY short time they will be in high school and maybe on to college and careers, and giving you the pleasure of your first grandchild. That will be the one you care for when you want to, after your own nap.

God bless you!